Brinks: scaring the shit out of women

I know creative advertising for home security systems isn't an easy feat. You cant come up with a catchy commercial meme about security or create a jingle about robbin' and rapin'. But Brinks Home Security really needs better advertising. These things are fucking awful.





Brinks Security, or BS, has invested in the old trusty theme of scaring the shit out of rich, white women. I need to first ask, are women really that defenseless? Is it true that they cant protect themselves or their families from anything? Brinks believes that without home security, they would probably lay on the ground, motionless. Once the attacker/burglar/attractive-actor-in-a-hoodie has left, they will walk to the freezer, grab a pint of Ben and Jerrys, curl in a ball and quietly sob until their husband gets home.



Yeah, those kids are really excited about that popcorn. If an attractive-actor-in-a-hoodie is going to break into my well-lit expensive home, in my nice neighborhood, with full knowledge that I am inside, I'm sure he is expecting an alarm. Actually, I think he wants an alarm considering he just dramatically pummeled his fist through the sliding glass door or busted down the front entrance in the most uproarious way possible. I am not sure these commercials are accurate of a situation where the method of breaking in is louder than the actual alarm.



But I have to give some credit to BS for providing some really astonishing exposition. Its a real talent to fit that much backstory into fifteen seconds. When the wife hears something strange downstairs and asks her husband about it, he responds with the only logical statement- "Its our first night in the new house."

Because I am sure she forgot. I'm surprised he didn't say "Its our first night in the new house even though we live in a really nice neighborhood and think nothing could ever happen to us just like you guys WATCHING THIS COMMERCIAL RIGHT NOW!" These commercials probably come on during programs like Dancing With The Stars or Rachel Ray to hit their prime target audience.

I do have to say that if someone were to break into my home and BS were to call me, I would hope to God it was a man with nice set of Blago hair. Thats the ticket.

Brave New [virtual] World

I just tried Second Life a few days ago. No, I'm not slow- I know how long its been around. I have just been too busy and interested in my first life to commit time to... an avatar. About a month ago JMU built a campus on Second Life, so I figured I would try the virtual world out to satisfy my (remote) curiosity. After spending about fourteen minutes in this faux reality, I have never been more confused and underwhelmed. Also, slightly horny.

I first began by choosing a name for my avatar. I chose Rob. Error- too many Robs in Second Life. So I used my middle name, Neal. Instead of asking for a last name it gave me about twelve options, among them were 'Starland' and 'Frandypants.' Instead of selecting what sounded like a ABC Family pilot, I settled on something normal. My name in the Second Life was now Neal Jules.

After leaving the cyber vag, I was birthed into a strange place with interminable quacking. Curious about where I was, I walked up to a sign that read "Center for the Jews." Even in virtual reality I am still assumed to be Jewish. Must be the eyebrows.

A woman 'Jezlyne' walks up to me and introduces herself.

Jezyne: Hey Neal!
Neal: Hey. Im a noob here.
Jezyne: We have the name last name, thats crazy.

But its not my real last name. Second Life gave us these names. From a list of twelve choices. Its really not that crazy. I made the conversation short so I could continue to explore the world of people I wouldnt ever be friends with in real life. I passed by a rock that asked me to donate money to a Jewish fund. People donate money here?

I then met a man and asked him my most important question, whether people on Second Life can have sex. He told me that they could, but unfortunately didn't go into detail. As I continued my long days journey into bytes, the quacking got louder as I spotted a group of five people pretending to be ducks. I had my avatar run through them hoping they would scatter. They didnt.

I then ended up here:


Am I in the sea? How did I get there? I couldn't find my way out, so I clicked the search button and typed in 'JMU.' I was given two JMU locations to teleport to, and I chose the first option. I landed here:


Seriously? This was James Madison University? It looks nothing like our campus. It looks like Hyrule.

After wandering around for a few minutes hoping to find Wilson Hall, I decided to go elsewhere. I clicked the search bar and entered 'Leather Daddies.' Teleport!


I landed in an area that resembled a gay interpretation of 'Logans Run,' and I was Michael York. I found some leather daddies smoking cigars by a table, but they only spoke German. Damn. I then went to the next place that had the keywords 'Bar, Club.' Teleport!

Instantly I am outside and hear the bass pounding in my tiny Macbook speakers. Yesssss. I walk up to a dance floor and see a variety of... species. Some chicks were half animal, half people. Others were balding. Two people that struck me were 'Cinnamon Sweetwater' and 'Clementine Wafflekeg.' They literally struck me. As I watched them dance they kept hitting me.

Eventually I found a chick named 'Kara Karfield' pole dancing and a big black dude named 'Gunnar Blackheart' standing beside her. The conversation went like this:

Neal: wassup.
Neal: can I touch?
Gunnar: no much
Neal: how much?
Gunnar: can not touch me
Neal: no, I meant your girl over there
Neal: can I touch?
Kara (yells from pole): eww no you can not touch me
Gunnar: yeah you can touch her
Neal: ok cool
Neal: Im comin' Kara
Neal: show me what you got me what u got


It was at the point that I realized that I had been in this virtual world long enough. I was being slapped by dancers and harassing strippers. Second Life was not for me. As I logged out and deleted the application from my computer I reflected on my experience. These were real people. These were real people logging on to dance on a cyber pole or smoke digital cigars for hours at a time. People actually enjoy this more than real life? Rainbow staircases and flying underwater and women named Clementine Wafflekeg?

Ah. I now know where Michel Gondry gets his inspiration.

My mother, the clown keeper

Pam has magazines and books all over the house, which is interesting because I have never seen her read a single thing in the past seven years. In her 'magazine basket' there are copies of several different catalogs, some dating back to 2003. While stumbling through this basket I proceeded to browse a magazine full of collectibles. I then found the one that will haunt my dreams.

OH MY GOD. This was in my house all this time?? These creepy fuckers?? Why are they silver? WHY DO THEY ALL HAVE ORANGE HAIR?

They all go about 300 dollars a piece. Why on earth would someone order this? You cant even burn them because they are made of metal and LAST FOREVER. I turned the page to find this:

AAAAGGHHH! They are everywhere! Are these things really that popular? Was there something I was missing? I read the description that claimed that they were all handcrafted and very detailed. I guess theres something expressive in the detail? I had a closer look.



Nope. Its even worse. The horror is actually in the details. Does that clown have a chopped up body in that suitcase? Probably. I confronted Pam about this and she became defensive and said she "Didn't know how it got there." Typical. She most likely has a load of them in the attic that I hope to never see. They are all probably sitting there, giggling. And cold to the touch.

Refaced

St. Andrews has put some hilarious new technology on the web called Face of the Future. Its a generator that manipulates your facial characteristics to make you a different gender, race, age, or work of art. Here are some of my results:

RIP

In the recent events of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson- it seems like some death is in the air. With this, comes people who take the opportunity to get a rumor out there: like the death of Jeff Goldblum.



Well I am going to take this opportunity to invade the twittersphere.

RIP Lauren Conrad
RIP Audrina Patridge
RIP Heidi & Spencer Pratt
RIP Whitney Port
RIP Kristin Cavallari
RIP Brody Jenner
RIP Michael Bay

That accident on the set was horrific. But its better this way since they probably wouldn't be able to get much work in Hollywood with all those awful burn scars. Please pray for their families and MTV successors.

Oh, and I was just kidding about Michael Bay.

Seven inches of subtlety

Up next, a BK ad featuring a girl feeding her boyfriend a roast beef sandwich under the table.

Whats your major?

First impressions of people when I meet them at a college party and learn their majors, and how I may react:


Finance
Probably a great beer pong partner.

Economics
Couldn't get into the business school, therefore, probably better at beer pong than Finance.

Theatre
Will crack jokes at any given opportunity. Avoid.

History / English
A keeper. The odds at finding these gems at a party are 1 and 50. Not only will they get my humor, but also probably give me a ride home since they aren't drinking.

Computer Science
They must have gotten lost.

Accounting
Avoid Jewish jokes.

Media Studies
Talk about twitter.

Communications
Probably dating Media Studies.

Political Science
Ask them who they voted for. They probably hate getting that. Then ask them how Politics is a science. They probably hate that too.

Philosophy
Avoid drunken couch conversation.

Religion
See above.

Foreign Language
Mention the four words I know in Spanish. Then laugh and say "Thats all I know!" Then laugh again.

Kinesiology / Sports Medicine
We have nothing in common and we both know it. Once we discover this, a silent head nod and casual separation will occur.

Dance
Will probably sleep with me.

Psychology
Will definitely sleep with me.
But I would prefer the Dance major.

A Tribute to Broccoli Cheddar

Broccoli Cheddar- you delicious whore of a soup,

When I see the names lined up at a Panera Bread or I am asking for the soup of the day at Chilli's, I am secretly hoping they will call your name. I know exactly what you are and what you will do to my body. Your parents are heavy cream and butter. You were created for those of us who always wanted to eat a bowl of liquid cheese, but never had a socially appropriate way of doing so. But you make it all okay because your classification as 'soup' makes you seem lighter and healthier, even though you have the same ingredients as your cousin, Velveeta.

I am not easily shaken by a friend who shows me up by ordering the vegetable soup. They will regret sipping on chicken water and carrots while I eat sex on a spoon. Plus you have the best vegetable of all, broccoli. Though its normal nutritional value has diminished to hardly anything, it still looks the same in my soup. I therefore consider you a full serving of vegetables.

I can only have you when I am ordering out, because you come out all dressed up and steaming. You just aren't the same at the supermarket. Your nutritional label shows, proof that you look much better with clothes on.

Broccoli Cheddar, I will always love you.

Because I will never afford Lobster Bisque.

I just permanently forever

Movies people love that I think suck

The only thing that's worse than hating a film is hearing how everyone else loves it. This situation is acceptable when you dislike a particular genre (like Sci-Fi) because then you cant blame the film for its stylized elements that you don't find favorable. Its only really irritating when you understand the movie, take everything in, and still think it sucks. Its when you hear your friends raving about X-MEN 3 or Johnny Depp in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, you start to a) become too frustrated to deal with it anymore and b) judge these people for having awful taste in life.

Yes, everyone has their opinions. But unlike 'that guy' who thinks Will Ferrell is funny because he is loud, I have actual reasons why I think these films are extremely overrated.

Bad Santa

I understand the bitterness of the film. I understand that its about a crappy guy who's holiday job is dressing up as Santa in the mall. And that's funny because Santa is supposed to actually like kids, right? How many movies have we seen where Santa hates his job? Basically any Christmas movie. And Billy Bob Thornton isn't even acting in this role, it is genuinely him. Some say that makes it funnier, I say it makes it harder to watch. The whole thing is one-note. One joke. Its a comedy for the types of people who will laugh at anything if you make them feel like they are supposed to.

Fantasia

But its timeless! Yeah, so is pooping. Actually, I think pooping wins because its been around longer. Fantasia isn't bad. But it isn't good. It just... isn't. I don't know why Disney keeps releasing new editions of this awfulness every year. The remastered edition. The new millennium edition. The collectors edition.

ITS NOT A MOVIE.

They are drawings from the 1940's put over classical music. And the fact that Mickey is on the cover is just a LIE. I remember watching this as a little kid and waiting for Mickey to come out. I had to wait the whole time for stupid centaurs and through the dinosaurs extinction until he finally reared his head for 5 minutes. This film is for 65-year old men and women who feel like they are supporting the struggle to keep classical music alive by 'popularizing' it. Well go ahead then, because I'm going to play Rock Band, where an animated slut can dance to the sound of Brett Michaels better than a mushroom to Mozart.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Yes, I already wrote about this one in my Best and Worst of '08 post, but I had to include it again. I wish I could remember the people who recommended it to me I could pull their hair. Hard.

The Neverending Story

Another children's classic that was mind numbingly awful. Though I have to admit, my experience was a bit tainted. We had to watch this film in Spanish without subtitles about fifteen times in eighth grade when the teacher didn't feel like putting in effort that day. Periods were only 45 minutes so we never got to finish it, and we started from the beginning every time. I only got to see up the part where el caballo gets trapped in la arena movediza. Actually, I have always wondered how that film ended... or what was going on at any given point...

Maybe its not that bad after all. Maybe I just hate Spanish.

Vanilla Sky

In saw Abre Los Ojos my junior year and loved it. It was suspenseful, creative, and brilliant. Then I heard that the movie was remade by Cameron Crowe and it was called Vanilla Sky, the film my roommate raves about. Well I watched it, and shot-for-shot it is the exact same film, but much worse. Penelope Cruz even plays the same character in both films, but even that Goddess couldn't save this one. Just look at that poster. LoveHateDreamsLifeWorkPlayFriendshipSex. Yeah, that "theme" reeks throughout the film as Tom Cruise tries to act all existential. Its like what would happen if High School seniors over thought Plato's Cave Allegory and made it into a three act play with an exhausted soundtrack. "We are all like, so meaningful right now."

But the title couldn't be more perfect, because it makes no fucking sense. Vanilla Sky! Say it three times fast and you can see the face of God! Or maybe you'll be left with something just... vanilla.

Putting the bro in brother

Living at home has its perks. Oh wait, no it doesn't.

This month I have been living in New Jersey with my very Italian mother Pam, her caustic husband Ross, and my uninspiring brother Mike who graduated from college a year ago but refuses to depart from those 'glory days.'

When I came home this month I found that Mike had rearranged his room and put his bed up against the wall that we share. I have had the distinct pleasure of hearing his conversations every morning and afternoon. The following is what I heard verbatim through the wall between 12:22-12:23 this afternoon while Mike was on the phone.

"Wild Turkey shots. Did all three. Boom boom boom."

"Yo he was just bangin' chicks all night. He said he banged her at night then woke up and banged her in the morning."

"She turned around and pulled down her pants and he fucked her on the spot"

"She was all blond and I was like yeahh"

"That would be bad news... haha no she would be charging rape!"

"Fucking fuck dude"

While I rolled my eyes and listened to what he was saying I thought of two things 1) How I am absolutely going to blog about this and 2) what would happen if he surprised me by randomly inserting something funny or insightful or important. Like right in the middle of talking about 'boozin' or his usual brain dead dialog, he said something like:

"This stuff in Tehren is really bothering me. The issues Iranians are facing and the issues with Mousavi really seem unfair."

But instead, I got this:

"Yo you wanna start boozin' right now? Ill pick you up now, peace."

Mike, its 12:23pm on a Tuesday.

...how many days until I leave for Chicago?

E-mails from an Asshole

Emily, A friend of mine reffered me to a website called Dont Even Reply. I usually don't highlight specific websites within posts, but instead add them to my "Good Ways to Waste Time" section on the right side of the blog. But I just couldnt help myself with this one. It is laugh out loud hilarious. This guy finds ads and replies to them with the most brilliant shit. Here are a few of my favorites, but be sure to check out the whole site.

___________

Original ad:
selling 1997 toyota camry. 146k miles. engine and transmission in good shape. was in minor fender bender, damage shown in pictures

From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org

Hello,

Let me just introduce myself. My name is Mike, and two weeks ago my dog was hit and killed by a car in Manayunk. The driver did not stop. He was hit by a white '97 Toyota Camry. With the side of the bumper bashed in like in your pictures. I thought I would never find the killer, but then I saw the murderers car for sale in Manayunk on **********! YOURS. What, are you trying to get rid of the evidence? You killed my dog of 8 years, and didn't even stop. I had to tell my kids that they would never see him again. Now they just look dead inside, like their soul was taken from them. I can't blame them.

We can't bring Skip back to life, but I want you to come here and apologize to my kids. And buy them a new dog. It is the least you could do.

E-mail me back and we'll set up a time.

- Mike

From derek ******* to Me

what? i didnt hit your fucking dog. no way im buying you a new dog

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

There's no denying it. I've got you dead to rights. The car that hit my dog is unmistakably yours. I even remember seeing your Outer Banks bumper sticker as I watched the car drive away, leaving Skip in a mangled mess in the middle of the street.

Maybe you were drunk and didn't remember? That doesn't make you any less guilty.

From derek ******* to Me

are you fucking serious i didnt hit your dog!!! i even called my girlfriend and she had no idea what i was talking about. you are mistaken

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

No I am not. Does your girlfriend have long hair? I didn't get a good look at the killer's face, but I saw long hair from behind as they sped away. I just assumed it was a man because of their huge shoulders.

From derek ******* to Me

yes she has long hair but she didnt hit your dog. where did this happen?

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

You know where it happened. Right here in Manayunk. I think your girlfriend is lying to you. I would like to meet both of you and have a good chat with you two so I can figure out which one of you is lying.

From derek ******* to Me

no this is ridiculous neither of us hit your dog. im sorry it happened but this is not my fault

From Mike Anderson to derek *******

Why would you be sorry if you didn't do it? Seems like you feel guilty about murdering my dog. Just own up to it. Do the right thing. For my kids.

_____________

Original ad:
litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.

From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org

Hi,

I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

Mike,

Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

From Shannon ******* to Me

NO.

______________

(In this next one the guy is both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson)

Original ad:
i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!

From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org
CC: Kira Anderson

Hey,

I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my whore of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little slut that fucks just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose whore that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a title?

From Jim ***** to Me

Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

OH FUCK YOU MIKE!! DROP FUCKING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SCUMBAG PIECE OF SHIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Fuck YOU, you stupid cunt! What are you doing on the computer? I figured you were fucking Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm sure he's looking to stick his dick in some rotten pussy. You fucking twat.

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

MIKE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A FUCKIN KNIFE

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Ooh I'm real fucking scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black dick in your mouth you fucking WHORE

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns me.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR FUCKING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND WITH IT

From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson

Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his dick.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

FUCK YOU

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Will both of you shut the fuck up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus fucking christ man c'mon!

No batteries (or dreams) necessary

A child's need to be entertained increases every year. Growing up, I was intent with using my imagination to combat boredom. And if that ran out, there was always my penis. Kids need something just a bit more realistic than fantastic graphics and interactive flat screens. This insatiable desire to engage in something similar or equal to God, combined with our MC Hammer economy, has led to a new concept. Human toys.

Apparently this is real. Human Toys offers the service of real people coming over to your house to be manipulated, harassed, and abused by your pain in the ass kids. 'The perfect toy for the child who has everything!" Because any little shit that demands a living breathing Bop-it has got to be one annoying mother fucker.

If I am over the age of 30 and my occupation is a 'Human Toy' I am going to go ahead and say you have permission to kill me. My life is not worth living if I am that guy, trying to pay my bills by being a 'horsey' for three strange kids while we are all dressed like popsicles. What kinds of people could possibly endure this torture? Lets look at the catalog:
Oh my God. A former attorney? WTF happened to this guy? He must have really screwed up. Now he loves playing cops and robbers and ... cleaning up messes? And the worst (best) part is that he will show up that day with a briefcase... with absolutely nothing in it. How fun!


Thats right, nothings more exciting than losing your job as a financial analyst to play with fake colored money. Downgrading FTW.

When I see this face, I am looking straight in the eyes of a failed dream. A tepid, glossed over version of what used to be a young man who once threw his graduation cap in the air thinking he could be Vice President by age 29. Now children circle around him and throw paint on his body while probably muttering profane language under their breaths.

I say that one day, one of these guys is going to crack. He will be working a huge birthday party and some punk is going to be pulling his hair while some little bitch is trying to stick her finger up his butt- and he is going to pause for about 5 seconds and then go totally ape shit- ripping the studs out of those little 7-year old ears, biting fingers clean off, Bratz doll induced concussions, shoving hands into easy bake ovens, and force feeding them Hannah Montana posters.

He will take his empty briefcase and walk out the door, leaving behind him the wreckage of children and the words 'Free Will' written on the back wall with his own feces and toddler blood.