The bible told me so

The war in Iraq. The death penalty. Proposition 8.

This is the word of the Lord, according to those who choose to cite the bible. And now we can add water boarding to the list. Conservative blog Red State recently stated that Jesus probably would have water boarded to save people, since he died for all human beings.

Its just my opinion, but I think that Jesus probably wouldn't be into water boarding. Or murder. Or anything else to give someone a shitty day. Some conservatives who disagree with this usually throw a bible on the table (figuratively, though sometimes literally for dramatic effect) and quote it. You wont have to look hard to find a bible passage supporting war, or anything else on someone's political agenda.

Now, the bible has some great pieces of wisdom and inspiration. But it is no way a guide on how to live your life or govern.... anything. Having grown up in a home where the philosophy was that the bible should be taken literally, I spent a part of my youth confused and scared shitless. But then again it also made me believe magic shows on television were the work of Jesus, so not all was bad.

If we are going to use bible as part of our ethical decision making process, I think we should take a look at how fucked up it can be.

Genesis 22:1-18 / Exodus 13:2 / Judges 11:29-42 / 1 Kings 13:1-2
Ritual Sacrifices demanded by and made to appease God.

Judges 21:10-24
The rape, murder, and pillage of a town in the name of God.

Deuteronomy 22:28-29
If you rape someone, pay their dad like 50 pieces of silver and it's totally ok.

2 Samuel 12:11, 14
God takes David's wives and has his neighbours rape her. Oh, and kills his baby too.

Exodus 21:7-11
God says if a man gives his sex slave to his son when he is finished, he cant have sex with her anymore, only the son can. Talk about givin' a sister a break!

Deuteronomy 13:13-19
If a few people worship another God, make the entire town pay by burnin that whole mother fuckin place to the GROUND!

Deuteronomy 22:20-21
Sorry ladies- if you're not a virgin on your wedding night, the Lord says you must be killed. Should have thought about that before you decided to parade your stinky.

Deuteronomy 22:28-29
If a woman is raped, she must marry her rapist and never divorce.

Proverbs 23:13
Beat your children, because a cane wont kill 'em.

Romans 1:24-32
The Lord says gay people have to die (This was obviously before he realized that they make great reality television).

Ezekiel 23:20
"There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

....

....

...Welp, I'm off to do God's work. Wish me luck!

Bacon is the new black

I was in conversation a few days ago when the subject of bacon popped up, and I mentioned how the Internet is obsessed with bacon. Everyone stared at me like I was speaking another language. I became defensive, "But seriously guys, the online community loves bacon!" I have never received more simultaneous stink eyes in my life.

Just like myself, I am sure there are some people reading this who are dating the Internet. And these people know that this topic isn't even worth writing about. Because its just common sense.

2+2=4.
Don't pick your scabs.
Retarded people love shiny things.
The Internet is obsessed with bacon.

But for those people who refuse to believe this statement, I am going to rock you to your core.

First, there is bacon humor. Like the woman who made a man entirely out of bacon. Or quirky graffiti.
Then there are bacon accessories. Like the bacon lampshade, bacon iPhone cases, and the bacon briefcase.




Then there were surges on well known sites. Like when the LA times did the article of 1,001 things to do with bacon. Randall Munroe did an XKCD webcomic. Amazon.com has everything bacon, like bacon jelly beans, bacon mints, bacon toothpicks, and bacon floss. And of course, the infamous bacon camp.

But what about actually eating it? Some creative people have come up with some bacon inspiration, such as bacon-chip cookies, krispy kreme bacon burgers, and bacon ice cream (which I have actually had and its quite good).



Then came functionality. A man invented the bacon alarm clock- which actually cooks bacon before it wakes him up. Then a woman made a bacon bra, because what better way is there to support your tits?

Ok, bacon naysayers, do you see what I was saying? I suggest that the next time someone says something in a conversation that you don't understand (ie: the Internet loves bacon) you keep your shitty looks to yourself and think that somehow, Rob Anderson is telling the truth. And if you still don't believe me, you probably missed some points. Maybe a bacon strip would help?

Album Generator

Remember when we used to find our porn star names? You would combine your first pet's name and the name of your street. Through a friend I have recently discovered a new one- the album generator.

1. Your band
Getting a random article on Wikipedia. That article is your band's name.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random

2 - Your album
The last four or five words on the bottom of a random page on quotationspage.com. This is your album title.
http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3

3 - Your cover
The third picture on Flickr's 'last seven days of photos'
http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days

I used photoshop to put mine together:

At least she's not abusive

When I call Pam, my mother, I get one of two reactions. If I call her house line I get a rich "HELLO!" as if she hasn't heard my voice in four years. When I call her cell its if she ran a marathon and then picked up the phone. Its probably because she is never less than a football field away from it, which happens to be buried in a pocket inside a pocket inside her purse. I decide what phone to call depending on what reaction I feel like receiving that day.

No matter what I call her about, she always seems preoccupied with something. The more serious the topic, the more she will interject with whatever paltry thing is going on at the moment.

"Hey Mom, I'm really not doing too well in Spanish. I think I might fail the-"
"-Oh, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT! The cat is trying to make the bed!"
"Yeah, Mom. Its really a hard class, and its not that Im not trying-"
"Hes putting his paws on the covers and moving them! ROSS, GET THE CAMERA!"
"Well I talked to my professor and he-"
"He's like a little butler!"
"...you finished?
"Oh, yeah, Rob. What was that?"
"Well my Spanish class is really hard this semester and I-"
"-OH MY GOD! HES DOING IT AGAIN!"

Once I called Pam on the road and she had to stop the car and call me back because people put some old furniture on the curb and she had to check it out. Just today I called her about finalizing an apartment in Chicago and she stopped me, and without any segue, said-

"They caught this guy in a lie and now he has to jump out of the plane to not embarass his family."

She was talking about a movie. God help me.

10 sexually suggestive plants

aaaand the slut plant

100 awful things

A blog I love reading is 1000awesomethings.com.

Every day they post a new little thing that's awesome in our lives. Some include:

-Thinking its Thursday when its Friday
-Finding the last item in your size at the store
-Watching one of your favorite movies & not remembering how it ends
-Getting into bed with clean sheets after you shaved your legs
-The first squeeze from a new tube of toothpaste
-Watching something download really fast
-Remembering what movie that guy is from

I started to think about little things that were awesome in my life. While I did hit a few (like drinking cold water in the middle of the night when you are really thirsty) I couldn't really come up with too many good ones. What I didn't have a problem with, however, was coming up with awful things. I think that really says something about me. I suck.

So here is my response to 1000 awesome things. I will call it, 100 awful things.

1. Your friend's dog always sniffing your crotch
2. Getting a stain on your shirt and having to wear it all day
3. Forgetting to charge your phone
4. Puberty
5. Overhearing people talking about you
6. Drinking hot water that's been in your car
7. Realizing you chose the wrong career
8. Pregnancy scares
9. The moment before you throw up
10. The Disney Channel
11. Cheating on your diet
12. No longer loving your spouse
13. Being held back a grade
14. Getting braces after college
15. Assassinations of great leaders
16. Going to the beach and seeing only unattractive people
17. Splotchy facial hair
18. Comic Sans
19. Small talk
20. Corn stuck in your teeth
21. Everyone loving a movie that you hated
22. Never knowing if someones serious or kidding
23. A loud fly in the room
24. Looking forward to something and it getting canceled
25. Loud stomach growls in class
26. Back to back nightmares
27. Being caught in a lie
28. Debt
29. Tila Tequila
30. Nursing homes
31. One's own infertility
32. Northeastern accents
33. No one knowing that there was a book before the movie
34. Sleeping in the same room with a heavy snorer
35. Fat areas you cant get rid of
36. When people IM you with "sup?"
37. Losing touch with old friends
38. Realizing that you are exactly like one of your parents
39. Eating/drinking something before you realize its expired
40. Having a pet die
41. Everyone's food looking better than yours at a restaurant
42. Fox News
43. Needing to wash your hands when no sink is around
44. Having to pay for someone else's mistake
45. Never doing something you always wanted to do
46. The shower turning colder while you are in it
47. Getting into a very public argument
48. Band aids that wont stay on
49. Never being loved
50. Overhearing a Dane Cook quote
51. Realizing you still have conditioner in your hair
52. The sound of fire alarms
53. Hating your roommate's taste in music
54. Being home schooled
55. Bad sequels
56. Your words being taken out of context
57. Not being dressed for the occasion
58. Realizing you left something on at home
59. Disappointing your parents
60. Going on a date and having nothing in common
61. Having your mom be confused as your sister
62. The Earth in 500 years
63. Small, ugly dogs
64. Kissing someone with bad breath
65. Someone telling a story as if they were there, but they weren't
66. Long lines
67. People who take themselves too seriously
68. Ignorant bumper stickers
69. Not interacting with one single person the entire day
70. Bouncing a check
71. Mistakenly sending an email before you were finished
72. The Monday after breaking up with a co-worker that weekend
73. Tucker Max
74. People who still wear the Scream mask for Halloween
75. Facebook post-2007
76. Speaking really loud once everyone else got quiet
77. Being really hungry and settling for fast food
78. Actually paying for porn
79. Never leaving your home state
80. Ugly secretaries
81. Inner thigh chafing
82. Giving a speech and mispronouncing a word
83. Knowing your professor hates you
84. Being ignored by someone you have met before
85. Farting in public, but it ends up being poop
86. ...and peeing a little bit too
87. Sitting in a cubicle for 40 years
88. Being sick on an airplane
89. Being the fattest one at your high school reunion
90. Clipping your nail too far
91. People who try to name their kids with numbers
92. Not having anyone to spend your last days with
93. "12 days of Christmas" being sung all the way through
94. Just barely missing the grade you wanted
95. Ear spacers
96. Boy Scouts of America
97. Being sick on the day of a class trip
98. The Friends spin off, Joey.
99. Public transportation
100. Seeing the white pus at the tip of someone's zit

My graduation speech

Each year the graduating seniors of James Madison University are asked to submit commencement speeches. They narrow the selections down to 10 finalists, then after having them read aloud, select one to speak. Though I was a top 10 finalist this year, the commencement speaker was Amrou Kotb, one of my greatest friends. Everyone thought he did a great job during graduation, and he absolutely deserved it.

Since I wrote my speech a while back and the decision was made months ago, I wasn't sure whether I should post it or not. Though my narrative voice holds strong, there is something different about the speech when its read aloud. Read alone, it can be interpreted as overly satirical. Maybe I would use the term bitey? Ah, but I digress.

So here it is, how I truly feel about my depature from JMU and how my experiences here will help me distinguish myself. I'm removing the comment feature for this one, so just read it and take it for what it is.

____________________

Good morning fellow classmates, faculty, family, and friends. I am very proud to be here to share this extraordinary moment of our lives together. I will begin with a story.

It is late August of 2005. A young man wakes up from his bed. He yawns and peeks through the blinds. It is the first day of college! His feet slide perfectly into his slippers, as the sun shines upon his chiseled features. He puts his pre-ordered textbooks in his backpack and departs on the purple-and-gold-bricked road of education. Like a Brady Bunch musical, students wave to him as the birds sing. He picks up a dropped book for a complete stranger and the doors open automatically for his first class.

This young man… was not me. He wasn’t anything like me on my first day. Who was I? I was the stranger who dropped the book. And it wasn’t a book at all. It was a map. Of JMU. This was my first day of college, and it wasn’t exactly what I had hoped for. There I was, sweating profusely, waddling across the quad with my Nalgene bottle, massive eyebrows, and the posture of a faucet.

What was I doing? If I had any hope of being successful, I had better become more like the first guy, the one who has a permanent inspirational movie soundtrack playing in his head. In a very over-simplified and exaggerated sense, this basic perception seems to be commonly shared by many students during their years at college. We want to be the best that we can. But there is always that guy who does the job twice as well and who’s breath is one tic-tac fresher than yours.

Let me pitch another scenario that may sound familiar. You are at a winter holiday party with your family. After having your name confused with your cousins a few dozen times by some distant relatives, you struggle to define yourself by the universal type-distinguisher: your major. Suddenly a relative chimes in and mentions someone around your age who is also studying the same thing, and spouts how successful they have been and go on to list their accomplishments. Another person adds that their son or daughter also got an internship with so-and-so. As you stand, listening to the distant successes of your peers and revel in your unfound opulence, words can’t describe your feelings at that moment. It’s like seeing the cool kids playing in the big in-ground pool on a summer day, and you are sitting in the small blow-up one that is slightly deflated and has dead grass in it.

These situations are what lead many college students to get the wrong idea. To be the person that people praise. To live life like you have something to prove. You will enter the workforce and apply for jobs while your entire professional life is encapsulated on one resume sheet in a single .PDF file.

But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter at all; because you are graduating from James Madison University.

I don’t mean to state the obvious here, but we have received an education from one of the most active and well-rounded schools in our country. We don’t just think, we do. We don’t sit around and read Immanuel Kant in the rain while pondering our existence. We apply our skills and philosophies to make lives better and to innovate. We are graduating from a school that builds people, and shapes character, and has supplies vision. We are part of a university that inspires us be broad, flexible, dynamic citizens who take initiative and make new discoveries.

Sure, but isn’t that college? Well if it were, do you think our nation would be where it is now? With Ponzi schemes and the subprime mortgage crisis of 2008, it doesn’t seem like many of our ‘leaders’ had real educations. The fact is other schools don’t educate. They train. They train students by looking at the rules, researching the facts, and memorizing the answer. Well, I think training is for dogs. We need real educations in this country.

While other schools are thinking, we are re-thinking. While they predict, we explore. And while they use common sense we use our imaginations.

Right now isn’t that family holiday party from two years ago. This is our graduation from James Madison University. It’s where the innovators are, and I truly, truly believe that.

Today we will receive a hard earned diploma. But the most important accomplishment is our development as individuals that this place has helped us become. As we leave our JMU homes to be a bigger part of our world, don’t let the resume define you. We have to remember what we are made of.

Congratulations Class of 2009. Lets do this.

5 great games that can turn ugly

Most people love games. Games bring people together. They can strengthen preexisting friendships or break the ice in awkward encounters. On my list of "Things I wanna do right now" playing games is usually third. They are God's gift to our inner child.

But every once and a while, things take a turn for the worst. A bad gaming situation will enter its way into your funtime and make you vehemently frustrated. Some safe, non-confrontational games stay unaffected, like Chutes and Ladders or online Battleship. Others have the potential to get ugly, such as Spin the Bottle or an Easter egg hunt. Here are my picks for most possible gaming disaster scenarios.

5. Catchphrase
Turns ugly with: Someone who is too generic.Catchphrase has the possibility to redeem itself because, like charades, you can guess within a large group of people - eventually getting the correct answer. This is all thrown out the window with one specific player. Its the type of person that doesn't live their life with specificity and refuses to start now.

Player: (reads the word kayak) "Its usually yellow"
Team Member 1: "Lemon?"
Player: "No"
Team Member 2: "The Sun?"
Player: "Nuh uh"
Team Member 3: "Hazard Tape?"
Player: "Ummm... nope"

When finally asked to be a little more specific, the player scrunches their face at the concept, digs deep, and finally comes out with something like "Its sporty." BANNED.

4. Scattergories
Turns ugly with: Someone who doesn't understand that their answer sucks
Scattergories is one of my favorites, but after some negative experiences I have become increasingly skeptical of playing with someone new. The best way to avoid an awful experience is to make sure everyone understands the rules of the game.

1. You get multiple points for double letters
2. You cant use arbitrary qualifiers or adjectives, such as "Slippery Snake."
3. You can use adjectives if it is part of the word, such as "Magic Marker."
4. Oh, and don't put down shitty answers and pawn them off like I'm an idiot.

Every once and a while a total bitch will sneak in and make the game a living hell. Even with a vote, she refuses to believe that her answers are inapplicable to the category.

Letter: E
Category: Places to eat
Her answer: Everywhere

Everyone laughs at the answer until I realize that she is actually giving herself points. When confronted she says, "Yeah, so?" Immediately on her guard and defensive, she explains that "you can eat everywhere." You can imagine where this is going, so save yourself the grief. Next time this happens, silently get up, rip out a chunk of her hair, make her eat it, and leave.

3. Beer Pong
Turns ugly with: The competitive partner
BEER PONG! Its a game that challenges your accuracy while increasingly depressing your nervous system. And its fun...unless this game means the world to your extremely competitive partner. Then you're fucked.

Some signs to look out for are pre-game pep talks and an immediate drop in his sense of humor. Once this happens, switch out real fast and dont chance it. Once you start you have committed yourself, and it only goes downhill.

If either of you you make a shot, he gives a serious face and a high five that will take skin off your hand. If you miss a shot, he gives a silent groan and possibly a fist bite (depending how close the game is). When he misses a shot, he will yell loudly then quietly talk to himself for the entire round until he can shoot again.

The worst part is that no matter how much you suck, you cant get out of these games. Your partner will constantly pull through and win each game, keeping you on the table. You will see your friends across the room dancing to the latest Beyonce single. You wave longingly. Friday night FAIL.

2. Cornhole
Turns ugly with: Anyone
Eventually you learn from your Beer Pong mistakes and choose fun, easy going partners. Then you play Cornhole and that all goes out the window. The game is designed to meet other people by playing on opposites sides as your partner, and sharing the same side with a member of the other team. What a great way to mingle!

Wrong. There are a variety of awful people in the world, and they have nothing to do with games. You can avoid them at school, work, and liquor store. But not during Cornhole- who you get is luck of the draw. Its never the girl with a nice smile, the fun Mom, or one of your friends. Its always a big fat awful.

The girl who thinks you are hitting on her
The guy who thinks your cheating
The one who wont stop talking
The drunk
Your old competitive Beer Pong partner who you are no longer friends with

Dont worry the game will be over soon. Until you go over 21 points and have to start again. Cheers.

1. Twister
Turns ugly with: Naked 7-year-old girls

You are about to play twister with your little sister's 7-year-old friends. There are about 10 of you all together so there isnt much room. A little ways into the game they start to complain about how hot it is. They begin to take off their clothes. Thinking nothing of it, you continue to play the game. All of a sudden your face is in one of their no-no zones and your hand is touching an undeveloped breast.

Time to leave.

Beach Week Superlatives

Growing up on the Jersey shore, I never had a beach week. When I came to college I fell in love with the concept, and I have been going to the Outer Banks for the last four years with 100 other mutual friends. Beach week isn't like a typical party where you hang out, drink, dance, and go home. This is a week where you hang out, drink, dance, and don't go home. Because you already are home. And so is everyone else.

Interesting social situations occur due to the party extending into a seven day continuum. People lose their individual identities and adopt new ones that fit comfortably within my judgemental mind. i.e.:

Sarah pooped herself last night.
Sarah is no longer Sarah.
Sarah is now the girl that pooped herself last night.

If you have ever been to a beach week with friends, you may understand where I am coming from. Though the faces change, there are one of these 'types' each and every year. You will call them by their names, but associate them as follows:

The guy who hasn't gotten over the concept of binge drinking.
His name is probably Brad, and he is wearing a sleeveless jersey. You don't know him very well, but he always demands that you must "get fucked up." Brad is 2 1/2 years shy from being able to legally purchase alcohol, but that's why he is friends with seniors. He occasionally carries someone else's beer bong simply for photo opportunities.

The conservative girl who goes wild.
She comes from a good family and is usually known for having a steady boyfriend. She is attractive, wears nice things, and gets good grades. Suddenly its the first night of beach week and shes everywhere- making out with boys, making out with girls, missing half of her clothes, and spends every night at another house. Word spreads that her and her boyfriend were on a "break" during the week. Apparently.

The two hot girls who always stick together.
They usually have names like Alyssa and Alexis and are slightly less attractive then they think they are. They are new to the group, and love to be friends with older boys to try and make people jealous. On the outside, they are laughing. On the inside, they are crying.

The five ugly girls who always stick together.
They come to the beach and read gossip magazines and chatter to themselves. No one really talks to them or knows their names, but they are glad to have each other. On the outside, they are crying. On the inside, they are crying harder.

The guy that brings his guitar everywhere.
You are in casual conversation and out of nowhere you hear the acoustic sounds of Jimmy Buffet. On the couch is a skinny kid probably named Chase playing his guitar and looking melancholy. This is the 6th time this has happened in the last 3 days. No one knows where he comes from. No one really asks him to play. No one is bothered by it.

The people who don’t know each other but continuously make out.
Every night at the peak of drunkenness, a guy and a girl will make out. You didn't know that they knew each other, and its because they probably don't. You will never see them converse or interact during the day. But every night, at the very brink of intoxication, they will make out.

The gay guy in denial.
Everyone knows one. Everyone knows hes gay. Somehow he has convinced himself that he has everyone fooled. He has his straight friend who he believes separates him from any inklings people may have about his sexuality. He then chooses a single female to be attracted to throughout the week, so he has just enough to cover him from questioning peers.
"Hey, isn't he gay?"
"Nah, I heard hes obsessed with so-and-so"
Nope, he's just obsessed with her shoes.

The attractive couple.
They have been dating for a while and everyone knows why. They are both equally attractive and therefore deserve each other. Seeing them makes everyone a little angry and a lotta jealous. Everyone wants to date the one, but knows they aren't as attractive as the other. Rob doesn't really care about any of that. I just want to watch them have sex.

The couple for a week.
They never knew each other before the beach, hooked up the first day, and become inseparable for the rest of the week. They both know its not going to last, but 7 day company is better than none at all.

The girl who flips out.
It happens every single year. One girl will drink too much and start screaming at everyone about how she hates absolutely everything in her life, including you. She plays it off the next morning like nothing ever happened. Oh, we remember.

The girl who should wear a one-piece.
God made us all in different shapes and sizes. We must then take that knowledge, understand it, then apply it to our wardrobes. Some people refuse to dress this way. Some bigger girls decide that wearing a smaller size makes them a smaller size. Nope, it makes you a fat. Just a big fatty fat. No one wants to see you in a bikini. We want to see you in a poncho. Or how about not at all.

The downer.
This is a different type of downer, the aggressive kind. She brings situations down on purpose, because she gets her energy from sucking it out of you. Everyone will be drinking in the living room and she will start watching TV just so she can dart sour looks and roll her eyes. She talks about how immature everyone is and makes you feel guilty for being such a young soul.

The one you never see.
You know for a fact that they are on this trip. But you never hear stories about them. You never see them. You don't know if they are a boy or a girl. No one cares. They never will.

I just adulted myself

Sorry for my absence. I've been busy.

Graduation

Graduation Parties

OBX Beach Week

Breaking things

Japanders

When English speaking celebrities want to make some quick money, they either have a baby and sell the photos to People magazine, or they do a Japanese commercial. These are known as Japanders, or panderers in Japan. There is a website of the same name dedicated to such commercials.

We all remember the hilarious Lost in Translation Suntory Time scene, or when Joey had to do that blue lipstick spot on Friends, or the Simpsons episode with Mr. Sparkle, or on 30 Rock when Jenna was punched in the face. But media imitates real life (media). And this shit is real.

Energy drinks. Hard liquor. Cars. Sparkled confusion that tastes like metallic 80's sex and a coked out midi file. These are my top 10 Japander commercials.

10. Michael J. Fox

Michael J. Fox selling an energy tea? That will really give you the shakes.

9. Charles Branson

Granted, this one is a bit long, but its worth it. There is nothing I would rather do then douse myself in whatever makes Charles Branson such a bad ass. Kingdoms are for fags. This is MANDOM.

8. Peter Falk

Recap:
Japanese girl gets in a fight and hangs up.
Columbo makes her a drink.
He asks her if she likes movies.
She cant understand what the fuck hes saying.
He asks for a happy ending.

7. Jean-Claude Van Damme

I have always said that being tired feels like 300 clothes pins pinching my body. Someone finally gets it! And the truck actually says LA --> NY. Nice.

6. John Travolta

Scene: Graduation party 2009. Everyones chillin' by the pool. Out pops John Travolta behind a bush and everyone is pleasantly shocked. Music begins playing. He starts dancing and everyone at the party gets into it. Synchronized swimmers with hot legs appear and everything gets 10x better. This is the best party ever! Wait, WTF? Screams are heard as creepy silver hands slowly materialize from the depths of the pool holding trays of Asian drink. They always have to overdo it. Partys over.

5. Meg Ryan

This one is actually surprisingly accurate. If someone yelled "Its a UFO!" the person most likely to say "Let's go" is Meg Ryan. She probably wrote the commercial.

4. Sylvester Stalone

Aaand I have a boner.

3. Hulk Hogan

What marketing genius made Hulk Hogan sing. The days of the week. In his underwear. With a naked baby. Oh, its for an air conditioner? Makes sense.

2. Nicholas Cage


Ah geez. These are hard to watch since they are both recent and in English - acidic reminders of Nick's declining career and rising opportunities for embarrassment. The poor guy headbutts a man in a space suit and drools over headless triplets. That macro-awkward.

1. Arnold Schwarzenegger

I watched this a good 4 or 5 times back to back. Its incredible since there is no context, some life sized dandruff, Arnold's laugh, and a sense of fervency that makes me wanna shake a baby. An Japanese baby. A jaby.