Diamonds also make a great blanket

A Russian car manufacturer is creating an SUV that will cost $1.5 million.

Among its features are gold plated bullet proof windows, bulletproof wheels, tungsten exhaust, white gold gauges with diamonds and rubies, a white gold diamond and ruby encrusted grill, and a matching Vertu phone.

I think its ironic that it comes with a Vertu phone, because thats exactly what I thought of when I read about this car. Its the equivalent of the Vertu- a shit ton of gold and diamonds on a navy blue Nokia 3210 circa 2003. Doesn't luxury imply comfort? Since when is a gem-studded grill luxurious? It drives and feels exactly the same as any other grill.

But the best part is the interior, which is actually made from whale penis. Im serious- whale penis leather interior. Getting into a hot car is miserable enough with a searing seat belt clip and thick air. Now you have to deal with the stench of the two worst smells combined: balls and the ocean. Stinky, hot dried whale penis skin... this isn't my idea of luxury. If I am blowing $1.5 million its going to be like Blank Check, not some faggy car.

Since luxury is now a synonym for absurdity, I can only imagine what will be in version 2.0 of this SUV. The stereo knobs will be made of the calcium extracts from celebrity abortions and the exterior paint will be from Mother Teresa's preserved period blood, not from concentrate.