Blown out of proportion

I'm tired of rumors starting

I'm sick of bein' followed

I'm tired of people lying

Sayin what they want about me

Those are the words of our resident awkward photog queen and casual lesbian, Lindsay Lohan. And such recycled poetry has never been truer. In the town of Humpty Doo, Australia, a poor woman by the name of Alyson White has been falsely accused of amorous activities and causing a car accident. Luckily Ms. White knew exactly how to defend herself as she illuminated how improbable the allegations were.

Ms. White (pictured right) was absolutely shocked by these charges and explained that her seat belt mark was proof that she was not involved in any sort of sex act: "I was not ****ing his **** -- and it's pretty obvious that wasn't the case ... you only have to look at the mark on my chest," she said.

She continues her case by saying:

"Clearly I had my seat belt on, so it's impossible I'd be leaning over ****ing his ***** unless he is hung like a donkey or I've got a ******* rubber neck."

The waitress then explains further that if she was sucking cock, she would be the first to admit it:

"If it was true I'd just cop it sweet and think 'how embarrassing, I got caught ****ing someone's ****'. But it is not true and that's what is p***ing me off. It didn't happen like that at all -- he was just going too fast."

The authorities simply looked at her semi-picked facial scabs and bad dye job and thought that she was a hooker. Thats classic discrimination. Clearly her cigarette burns and sloppy tits were mere coincidences? She says:

"It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my 'girls' were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something ... but $5 is a bit cheap for a **** job."

Bitch got standards.