Michael Larrick is not funny

A few weeks ago a friend told me to start reading the humor columns in The Breeze, the student newspaper at JMU. I was told I would get a good laugh for the wrong reason. The columns are written by a student by the name of Michael Larrick. Michael (or, Mikey) is exceptional at illuminating life's social retardations with pithy and original observations. Did you catch the satire? Well if you didn't, then you probably shouldn't read any of his columns. And even if you did catch it, I suggest you save yourself from the nausea of exploring the mind of one of the least funny people on the planet, Michael Larrick.

Now, I know I am getting into a sticky situation, because my writing isnt perfect. But I am prepared for any criticisms that may come my way (and yes, I have nothing better to do). But please keep in mind the difference between an online blog and a student newspaper. One says "I'm posting my thoughts, read it if you want" while the other says "I am labeled as humor, published on paper, and may reach maximum exposure of 17,000 students." There is a difference.

Mikey writes about things we are all familiar with, but rearranges them in ways that make them less funny, if that's even possible. He usually "attacks" a typical stereotype each week, and highlights their silly little antics with first person sarcastic bullshit. A quote from his recent quip about "hipsters" and how they spend their weekends:

"I can no longer go to parties that the majority of college students enjoy, because I’m above things like beer pong; how bourgeoisie! If I go to a party and no one is talking to me because I’m wearing women’s clothes, I’ll turn to my friend and say something like, “There’s too many bros here.” I’ll only go to house shows and parties at poorly constructed and most likely not up to code houses that have names, like the Gonzo. Dance parties are cool now right? We’ll dance all night long while some DJ with a mustache be doin’ his thang."

No. No, no no no no. No, Michael. You aren't making comedic discoveries. You are applying flat generalizations to a self-invented stereotype. That over exaggeration isnt even true. Many different types of people love beer pong. And everyone loves dance parties. Also, you aren't funny.

Yes, Michael usually writes about ...college parties. Ugh.

This kid is a living, breathing version of Asher Roth's 'I Love College' but with a dramatic eye roll and over saturated satire. Hey Mikey, lets describe every different stereotype in college like we've never heard it before.

Guys who work out at the gym are too ripped.
College students only care about alcohol.
Sluts dont wear clothes.
Goths shop at hot topic.
You are so observant.

(Next issue: Biddies wear Ugg boots and Northface jackets. LOLZ!)

Two bits in, you will realize another comedic tactic that he pulls out of his unfunny asshole. Its the ability to create a metaphor (edit: and similies. thanks, kev). Michael Larrick makes love to this literary device about once every four sentences. Here are a few winners:

"I had a panic attack the size of Catholicism."

"I could feel it in the air like Phil Collins"

"They keep you warm when the cold chill of life crawls up your spine, like a maroon Snuggie."

"I feel the winds of its memory like a thousand babies breathing into a time machine."

He dishes them like a lit major writing a self-indulgent final paper but they make no sense like an eight ball that lost its way off the pool table because he took too much E and slept with that slut Lucy.

Original subjects are another rough patch for Miguel. He makes general public opinions into his own original opinions. You arent the only one who "wants a monkey" as a pet (Dane Cook did it), thinks that the Michael Phelps bong hit isnt a big deal (SNL did it), or thinks the Snuggie is stupid (we all made fun of it months ago). Find a cute contraption that lets women pee standing up, and then we'll talk.

For those who still think he's hilarious, or even remotely funny, that's fine. You can start writing like your favorite comedian in no time. I have pinned down Michael Larrick's method of writing:

1) Find very overused topic that was interesting three weeks ago

2) Describe it like we dont know what it is
3) Write in extreme first person satire

4) Insert ridiculous metaphors

5) End it, yo

One last tragic flaw of the Mike Man is his need to be funny. Things don't have to be funny all the time. Every word doesn't need its own punchline. Dont worry, people will still keep reading. When explaining the Snuggie, he first calls the concept of a regular blanket a "to be some sort of pyramid scheme set in place by Al-Qaida."

No. Stick to just making fun of the Snuggie. We know what a blanket is. You don't need to make a joke out of something we know and use every day. Theres nothing funny about a blanket (unless its a cute cartoon character). And Al-Qaida? Michael cant use a word or phrase without smothering it with some half-baked obscure reference to something that sounds political or is a throwback to some part of our youth, like pogs or tamagotchis. Because, we all, like, forgot about those things.

The reason I bring this up now? Well Michael Larrick will be having a comedy show this month, where he will probably talk about college parties. But thats cool. Because hey, I'm Michael Larrick. I think college debauchery (I love that word) is hilarious and so are those involved in it! My comedy is like a whirlwind of what the fuck when it met Elvis on a Sunday after it watched 'Dante's Peak' with a drunk Razor Scooter named Dingo.

Funny? No. Hammered my point to the ground? Yes. Welcome to the life of Michael Larrick.