Rob Anderson: Busting balls since 1987

Today I had a discovery. Im a bitch.

Ive been a little asshole since the day I was born. But with my cute Italian baby face and reassuring chuckle, one may not notice this. But every since I exited the vagay, I wanted to see the world cringe. I have no shame in this, since my morals are up to par. I am passionate about (certain) minorities, I would never eat a kitten, and I think my family members are beautiful people, on the inside.

Now I know you think I sound like the perfect person, and I know its hard to believe, but I love to stir up trouble and run. Lets take a look back at my life to understand exactly where I became such a dirtbag, and when it escalated.

Grade: Kindergarden
Age: 5
Involved: Nana
Incident: When playing Candyland with my grandma, I noticed that she took the rainbow bridge without having landed on the appropriate space to do so. I slammed my small, tight fist on the table and yelled "Bullshit!"
Punishment: N/A. Where do you think I got it from?

Grade: 4th
Age: 9
Involved: Pastor Nancy
Issue: When two girls went into the bathroom together, I called them dirty lesbians.
Punishment: I was sent to Pastor Nancy's office where she told me what sex was, and how lesbians have sex, and that I was almost suspended. Not only was my Mom pissed at Pastor Nancy about the suspension threat, but she also had to correct the awful, awful misinformation.

Grade: 5th
Age: 10
Involved: Mrs. Perret
Issue: We had a huge custom Monopoly board on the wall with prizes on each space. We could play if we got a good grade or did a good deed. I systematically figured out a way to "spin" the right number to land on free popcorn every time. After a few times Mrs. Perret (who I had a major crush on) figured out what I was doing. When she asked me why I was cheating, I told her I had "balls of steel."
Punishment: Being talked to in the hall, where I was told that my "dad's metaphors need to stay out of the classroom."

Grade: 7th
Age: 12
Involved: Lauren B., The New Principal, Mrs. Harris
Incident: During the second to last day of school I wrote in Lauren B.'s notebook that Mrs. Harris was a fat ass.
Punishment: On top of suspension, I had to write a note as to "why I am a problem", and was stripped of my title of St. Thomas Christian Academy President (I know I really won it Christina Pickowicz, dont kid yourself). On top of this I had to deal with my mom who was having major panic attacks because her son was losing Christian values. She brought me to a bookstore during my day of suspension thinking that C.S. Lewis would heal my scandalous soul.

Grade: 8th
Age: 13
Involved: Jay Martinez
Incident: On a hot day Jay Martinez and I spelled "POOP" with our water bottles on the concrete during recess.
Punishment: Almost suspension, except the evidence dried before we could be convicted. The reasoning was for tainting the school. My current justification for this: we sprayed our PG water graffiti next to the trailer in which we had class. Enough said.

Grade: 12th
Age: 17
Involved: Ms. Brown, Mr. Sutter, The Entire A/V Studio
Incident: On my sound check before hosting the Brick Memorial High School morning announcements I said that I wanted to "touch miss brown's boobs." Though the school did not hear this, the A/V Studio did- and they erupted in laughter. The obviously embarrassed Ms. Brown asked for an apology note, which I gave her, and added a picture of her, George W. Bush and I holding hands under a rainbow.
Punishment: Obviously offended, Ms. Brown reported me. Mr. Sutter, Brick Memorial's Rev. Fred Phelps, gave me in-school suspension for 5 days. During these five days, I was repeatedly asked for cigarettes and had to watch the ESPN sports center recap repeated 13 times daily. The following week I was voted Mr. Memorial by the faculty.

Grade: Sophomore at JMU
Age: 19
Involved: Amber Garrity, Greg Prince, The Executive Board, Kristina Erkenbrack
Incident: When Kristina and I were Madison PRIDE committee heads, we presented our awesome Gatorade theme to the Student Ambassador organization. Madison PRIDE is run by Student Ambassadors, and recruits JMU students to go back to their high schools and promote the University, and each year we choose a different catchy theme. Deciding on going with a joke theme before revealing the real one, we announced our new "diversity" theme. Our new t-shirt stated on the front that we were "Hittin' up the hi-skools bitch." and "Biggie aint dead" on the back with chains. We then showed our PRIDE recruitment posters which read:

"Yall lisen up
If yall thankin dat JMU is da shyt
then stop by the big 405 in Tayler yo.
We dunt know whut day yet tho.

Dunt ask no questions jus come by
and get a free tee shurt bro,
day FREE yo!"

Punishment: Greg Prince pulled me to the side and told me that as a minority in the organization, he was personally offended. I thought he was Jewish? Amber Garrity, the SA President, made it very clear that she did not find this funny. My punishment? Amber Garrity, the SA President, made it very clear that she did not find this funny. Note: Madison PRIDE went on to its most successful semester to date, Kristina to be the next SA President, and I to be the lovable "Uncle Rob" of the organization. Actually, nobody calls me that.