Pitching fouls

Today our screenwriting class was extended to 4 hours to make room for our 5 minute film pitches. Pitching is the process of selling your screenplay to an executive or member of an agency for pickup, development, and eventually distribution. Pitching consists of a basic introduction, genre, explanation of theme, characters, and location, as well as the plot points and target audience.

I have prepared myself pretty well for the pitch, and did well, but what I did not prepare myself for was to be able to listen to about 30 of my classmates' pitches. These plots were so outrageous that I couldn't even make this shit up. If I had a dollar for every facepalm I made during that entire 4 hours, I would have a trip to Fiji booked.

Now for the record we are all learning, and am I not putting people down for the sake of it or because I think I'm better (I am), I just realize that sometimes things are just too good not to share. And these my friends, are pure gold. So in true Rob Anderson style, I am going to rank my top 5 favourite pitches of the day.

5. THE ANGRY GIRL

No, this isnt the title of the script, its actually describing the girl who wrote it. This girl with very pale skin and long black hair walked up to the front of the class and scowled. She then literally yelled her plot points from a note card and madly tapped the spacebar. I remember the plot being about a girl who works at her dad's restaurant but doesn't serve black people. Why doesn't she serve black people? Because she serves them because she hates her dad. Wait, what? Yeah, exactly. Then when this whirl of a clusterf*ck was finished screaming her target audience, I apprehensively clapped for fear of my life. When our professor told her that her only problem was that... it didn't make sense... she crossed her arms and yelled something back to class like "You don't know me!" In her defense she was not a very attractive girl and absolutely had a reason to be angry at the world.

4. ITS KINDA LIKE OFFICE SPACE... KINDA

This next girl was American, so I was really pulling for her. Unfortunately, she was an idiot. What I forgot to mention before was that in a pitch you can use props or gimmicks to try and sell your idea, and usually they work. This girl walked up in a kimono, so I am hoping for a geisha story... or possibly a different type of comedy...

Nope, this was just what she was wearing that day.

So she explains that the story is "kinda like Office Space," and it actually kinda was. Theres a guy who wants to move up in his company but there is another female coworker who keeps showing him up. She jams the copier before he can use it, she claims his ideas as her own, she takes the last good sandwich (yeah, that was an example she gave), and other crazy co-worker shenanigans that would never really happen. So he tries to get a promotion, but when he leaves the interview he hears her having sex with the boss- and she ends up getting it. And I am waiting for some total act of revenge, some way to get back at this bitch. But instead our classmate gives us this- with the most serious face-

"And then, he quits and trains seals."

Oh ok, that's a good- WAIT, WHAT? So this girl explains how the theme is a positive message and just to do what really makes you happy. So I guess that was training seals? He must have really been itching to do it considering he doesn't even have a degree in marine biology. Well I guess it was kinda like office space... Like there was probably some space in that office... somewhere...

3. LOVE IS BLIND

This too was not the name of the screenplay, but it should have been. Actually the title was (untitled), which can pretty much tell you where this one is going. An overweight Indian boy with glasses the size of Sarah Palin's and the posture of a faucet takes his place at the front of the class. Without any introduction he begins to tell his story.

"A man goes out to dinner with a woman and falls in love with her, but..." And he whispers, "...shes blind."

Uh oh! A blind girl! He continues on with this mess about how he has to hand feed her soup and carry her everywhere. First of all, if I had a blind friend I would be completely offended at this story (but since I don't, I'm not). He was talking as if the blind were non-humans who needed to be carried since they had no bones... only blobs of skin. And they cant feed themselves no no no- they need someone else to do it for them. And why does she have to be hand fed soup? Are the blind not allowed to use spoons? It was insane. Well let me jump to the end, where she ends up getting "eye implants" (AKA retina transplants) from a donor. The post-blind woman then leaves the man because she doesn't need him anymore, and the audience finds out that he had given her his eyes because he loved her.

This is a really sweet story if you kinda throw out the notion of reality and just find a doctor who will do a live retina transplant. Seriously, this kid needs an award.

2. THE LAST TO GO

This guy was the last to go for the day, and I was just dying to leave that room. He sits up on a desk and gets ready to pitch, and from his excitement, I knew- just knew that this would be a good one.

"It starts off with a boy who has terrible nightmares" (alright)
"These nightmares are giving him brain damage" (uh oh)
"So his doctor tells him he needs to go to a fight club" (oh God not this)
"So at this fight club he has to beat an old man-" (hey, that's not fair!)
"-who puts up a good fight-" (oh in that case...)
"And he wins. A golden turkey."

I'm just leaving this one right there. I don't think I need to say anything else.

1. A TOUCH OF FAITH

Yes, this was actually the title. A Touch of Faith. Just a touch!

I knew from the moment I saw her first slide, this one was a winner. It has roses and petals and vines spewed across it, a screen so busy it would have given an Asian boy a seizure. She was also a girl who had just learned about powerpoint animation, since every. single. word. went. separately. and each time there was a different sound effect. zooom. swooooshh. beeep beeep.

But the best part was the story, which may give Stepmom a run for its money as far as a sap factor is concerned. It was about a mom with leukemia and a daughter who, and I quote, "knows that if she has faith her mothers soul will ease." What does that even mean? But she tells the story in such a dramatic way:

"The mother is GASPING for breath in bed as she can BARELY lift her DYING body as she CLINGS onto the bed posts in severe, severe PAIN."

Wow this sounds awesome. When she is finished with what felt like Angela's Ashes, she told us the moral of the story- and this is when I figured this girl out. She told us:

"This story is about developing a unique sense of self. In goes in junction with the philosophy of Aquinas, showing that even a lie can be made good if it is for the good of the people."

Yeah, I knew it. This little chick is in a philosophy class, and I know exactly what shes thinking. If anyone has ever taken one of these classes before, you know that, at least for the time being, it changes the way you think about things. You think that you have this whole new view on life, and you say things like "How did I not understand before?" and "Wow life is just a series of events!" You begin to write things in journals and believe them to be deep, passionate pieces of literature... until about a semester later you find those scraps of paper and read:

"Its hard when your so soft,
Watching songs and listening to pictures.
Casing chocolate with your needles,
What happens when I want the chocolate?
I'm stuck."

And you realize.. wow. I was a total moron. How did I even write that crap? Well you were enrolled in a philosophy class Rob, and it does crazy things to your brain, but its not your fault. It happens to everyone. Well that's where this girl was right now, and I know that in 2009 she is going to look back at this screenplay and go "seriously?" So I will spare her of the sarcastic judgments because we all know that criticism would be too easy, because there is nothing worse than pity.