There is no better way to say I love you

Than to say it with a human centipede necklace.

I made something go viral.

I saw this video on a friends Facebook wall and decided to post it to Buzzfeed. It went viral on the site, and I was featured as a top contributor on the site. Word spread from Buzzfeed and it was posted on Huffington Post, CNN, Inside Edition and tons of other news outlets. I made this video go from 25,000 to over a million hits. Holy shit.

I saw the video and guessed that the girls were probably seven years old. I actually posted it because these girls are incredible. Especially the blonde at the very end. Now the internet is in an uproar over these girls being seven-years-old. Just Google '7 year old girls single ladies.' I have no idea how old these girls were, and now its the big issue.

Anyway, It feels cool to affect the internet. Even if I did accidentally spread a little lie.

A snatch to dye for

My friend Jared notified me of another feminine product on the market. And folks I am really, really excited about this one. Its hair dye, for your pussy. Or your pussy hairs, rather.

Its the Betty. Betty is a hair dye kit for pubes. And its named after a woman who was notoriously obsessed with her pubic hair- Betty Rubble. Its the same as any other hair dye but works with more sensitive areas. And you get two uses in each box! So 3 weeks later you can just pick your stray pubes out of your used dye brush and go to town!

Though I appreciate the want to make women feel more attractive down by those stank caves, I'm really not too thrilled with this product. Aside from the state of Arizona, Pussy hair is by far one of the grossest things on the planet. Women should have shaved these things centuries ago. And just when the shave-it-off movement is about to take flight, Betty comes along and gives women an exciting new reason to keep their twat sprouts. No! This is the opposite of what is good!

Betty comes in four main colors- black, brown, auburn and blonde. They have also come out with a new line of fun colors.

They have a Malibu Betty which comes with free stencils so you can finally have that dove shaped patch right above your britney. Its interesting to see this particular dye advertised for brides. I can only imagine how that new husband must feel when he rips off that garter and realizes he is about to chow down on an aqua marine fuzz box. Are we at Sea World?

Look, a woman has a right to choose what she does to her body. But gray hairs aren't just an indicator of age, its a warning sign that behind those gray curtains is an old, used glove box that can hardly close. I'm not saying stop having sex, I'm just saying you should probably stop having sex. Pubic grays are a sign from God that your animal should have been put out to pasture a long time ago. I think thats in the bible, somewhere.

7 things that will gross you out

1. Sarah Jessica Parker's arms

2. A birthing simulator

3. This guy showing how to eat pussy

4. Teddy bears made out of belly button lint

5. 31 fingers and toes

6. A seahorse giving birth

7. The KFC Double Down

This guy loves Brenda

Say NO to Socialism!

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal power utility. After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the Nation Aeronautics and Space Administration.

At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After work I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and fire marshall's inspection, and which has not plundered all of its valuables thanks to the local police department.

I then log into the Internet which was developed by the Defense Advance Research Projects Administration and post on freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD and because the government cant do anything right.

-anonymous user on 4chan.

82nd Oscars: The Breakdown

I really loved this Oscar season. Last years was as about as exciting as the year of LOTR: Return of the King, everyone knew it was going to be Slumdog, Heath Ledger, etc. But there are so many unknowns and irresolute factors in this year's competition. Will ten best picture nominee throw the voting out of whack? Will box office be a factor? Who will Dakota Fanning vote for?

I am going to break it down with the top 8 awards- who will probably go home with the gold, and who really should.

Best Picture

Who will win: The Hurt Locker

Who should win: Inglorious Basterds

Anything but Avatar, right? Well who knows. The 10 nominee thing could really screw things up including making everyone's second or third choice the new winner. The Hurt Locker was great, but I truly believe Basterds to be the best film of the year. The concept, characters, dialog, acting- everything. The biggest criticism of the film is that its a few incredible scenes loosely knitted together. I can see that argument, but when a film really moves me that stuff isn't as important. Basterds is the rockstar nominee that really should.

Best Director

Who will win: Kathryn Bigelow

Who should win: Kathryn Bigelow

I think everyone is rooting for the Bigs for three reasons. One, she is a great filmmaker. Two, she is a woman. Three, she used to be married to that dickhead James Cameron and now they are nominated against each other. Everyone knows Cameron's a tool with his fucking weird Amadeus hair, and since they recently axed the Avatar spoof for fear it would hurt his feelings, I loathe him even more. Nothing would be sweeter than his (talented) ex-wife taking the prize, then masturbating with it later to spite him.

Best Actor

Who will win: Jeff Bridges

Who should win: Jeff Bridges

He has had an awesome career and had a solid performance on a strong, but slow film. Colin Firth won of the BAFTA so he seems to be hot on his trail, but I think Bridges has this one.

Best Actress

Who will win: Sandra Bullock

Who should win: Meryl Streep

Along with best picture, this is another really tough one. Comparing performances, Meryl Streep deserves this one for Julie & Julia. But there are so many other factors. The Blind Side had an incredible box office and was powered by Bullock, who America loves. The Academy even showed support for her by nominating the film for Best Picture, one of the goofiest moves ever. I think that really pushed a lot of the favor to Bullock's side.

Best Supporting Actor

Who will win:Christoph Waltz

Who should win: Christoph Waltz

The only 100% lock. Has won every major pre-cursor award.

Best Supporting Actress

Who will win: Mo'Nique

Who should win:Mo'Nique

Another safe bet. But will she shave her legs?

Best Original Screenplay

Who will win: The Hurt Locker

Who should win: Inglorious Basterds

This award will pretty much determine who will get best picture. Both are great, but once again how can you deny the perfection of that Basterds script. I think the energy is pushing to the Hurt Locker, and it might be just enough to win.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Who will win: Up in the Air

Who should win: Up in the Air

They have won most precursors and its almost a certain thing, but they have had some very public feuds over this. Apparently Sheldon Turner wrote a very poor script off of the book, then Jason Reitman took it on his own and made it into the film today. But because Turner adapted it first, he had to be credited. Apparently the first version was stale and slow, and Reitman has been pretty vocal about it. The good thing is other films don't even come close as far as precursor awards, so it seems pretty locked.

What do you guys think? Any ballsy predictions up your sleeve?